TACOMA, WASHINGTON – In important news, local man Gary Schmidt, 35, announced today that he is not interested in seeing the upcoming film Terminator: Dark Fate because he finds the character of Sarah Connor, played by Linda Hamilton, to be “unrealistic.”
“I mean, I’m not sexist or anything. But I just don’t think someone her age would be in good enough shape to fight like that,” Schmidt said.
When questioned about the believability of the Terminator franchise as a whole – which includes androids that age for some reason, time travel, and self-aware computer systems that threaten to destroy all of humanity – Schmidt responded, “Yeah, but that’s like the whole underlying premise. You have to buy into that part.”
In answer to a question about male actors who continue portraying action heroes well into their 50s and 60s — like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, and Harrison Ford — Schmidt said their performances are more realistic because of “muscle mass” and “testosterone.” Or something.
Schmidt also weighed in about Disney’s upcoming live-action remake of The Little Mermaid, commenting, “All I’m saying is, why would a mermaid need all that melanin underwater? It’s just science.”
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