The accomplished assassin John Wick is a storied individual. He once killed three men in a bar with a pencil. And we’ve all heard the story of how he started a war with the organization known as the High Table over a car and a puppy. But did you know the famed hitman also has a cat named Piddles? Nerdy Sarah had the chance to catch up with the feline and get his take on recent events.
Nerdy Sarah: Everyone knows that John is a dog lover and has had at least two dogs. Why do you think so few people have heard about you?
Piddles Wick: It’s typical human ignoance. Humans love dogs because they’re suck-ups, and they overlook us even though we’re smarter and superior in evey way. But you think all that face licking and tail wagging is for real? No way, my friend.
NS: So, dogs are faking?
PW: Absolutely. They know how to work the system. And frankly, they have less self-respect than we do.
NS: So what about John? What’s your relationship with him like?
PW: My relationship with John? I mean, where do I start? You remember when his house was burned down? He just freakin’ left me there! I had to jump out a second-story window to avoid dying of smoke inhalation! Luckily I’m a cat, so I landed on my feet. Seriously, how many times has this shmuck almost gotten himself killed over that damn dog, and he couldn’t even leave a door open for me?
NS: I’m sorry to hear that. When was the last time you saw him?
PW: I haven’t seen him since he killed that dude in the hotel. I keep trying to tell him violence isn’t the answer, but does he listen to me? Of course not. Maybe if I did tricks for him to stoke his fragile human ego, he’d heed my advice. But I have my dignity. This cat rolls over for no man. I did hear he took a trip to Casablanca though. Can you believe that? Man leaves the country and doesn’t even call a cat sitter. No respect.
NS: So now that John’s on the run, what’s next for you?
PW: I’m writing a memoir. It’s called Forgotten: The Tail of an Unappreciated Kitty. Get it? Tail?
NS: I get it. That was terrible.
PW: I know. Ya see? This is what I’ve been reduced to.
Interestingly, Piddles is not the only cat to have ever written a book. If his memoir is indeed published, he will be joining the ranks of such feline authors as James Catterson, Margaret Catwood, and Anne Mice.
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