Greetings, lovely readers! Today is an exciting day because Nerdy Sarah is introducing a new column, Would You Rather? Pretty self-explanatory, right? So the first question on the chopping block is, would you rather get tossed into the Sarlacc Pit or the Pit of Despair? Let’s jump in!
Finding yourself stuck inside the Sarlacc Pit would suck on a lot of levels. According to the pit’s Wikipedia page (because…research), the sarlacc – the giant creature at the bottom of the pit and for whom the pit is named – digests its victims slowly over thousands of years while also somehow absorbing their intelligence, meaning the victims “live on in disembodied torment.” I mean, that sounds pretty shitty. The Pit of Despair is looking pretty good right about now.
On the other hand, the Sarlacc Pit is the site of Leia’s iconic strangling of Jabba. And if you have to be trapped inside a horrible hellhole, it helps if it’s also the location of a famous moment in feminist history. Also, escaping the Sarlacc Pit gave Boba Fett tons of cred as a badass, so if you’re able to make it out, all your friends will think you’re super cool.
Finally, the Sarlacc Pit was originally called the “Sloth Pit.” So does that mean that sarlacci are like distant, alien cousins of sloths somehow? If so, that’s might not be so bad after all. Who doesn’t love sloths?
Pit of Despair
The Pit of Despair, as you probably remember, is the secret dungeon in The Princess Bride where the death machine invented by Count Rugen is stored and operated. Westley is tortured there after he and Buttercup are accosted in the woods by Rugen and Prince Humperdink.
The Pit of Despair is basically a temple to toxic masculinity. It’s where Humperdink sends anyone who opposes him – because he’s an entitled asshole who always expects to get his way and can’t handle it when someone disagrees with him (can you say snowflake?).
Also, what sucks about the Pit of Despair is that, if you’re tortured there, your life is shortened permanently. Even if you escape, you don’t get that time back.
The Sarlacc Pit would definitely be the grossest of the two. But the Pit of Despair is arguably more disturbing because it was created by humans. People (namely Rugen) had to spend a lot of time thinking about the worst ways to torture other humans.
Both the Sarlacc Pit and the Pit of Despair are difficult to escape, and being sent to either one could be fatal. But, if you manage to break out, the ramifications of being in the Pit of Despair would be worse because the months or years you lose from your life will never be regained. So while spending any amount of time in either one would be a major crap fest, at the end of the day, the Pit of Despair is worse. So if I had to choose, I’d rather get thrown into the Sarlacc Pit. What about you? Let me know!
DISCLAIMER: This blog is satire.