GOTHAM CITY – Forgoing his nightly routine of patrolling Gotham City in search of criminal activity to thwart, Batman decided to stay in tonight and watch a movie on Netflix with his cat, a five-year-old Himalayan named Dumpling he rescued last year from the Gotham ASPCA.
“I’m really trying to make self-care more of a priority,” said the Dark Knight. “How can I truly show up for the people I’m trying to protect if I don’t show up for myself first? Besides, Dumpling deserves the attention.”
After some deliberation, the World’s Greatest Detective reportedly decided to watch Legally Blonde, the 2001 comedy starring Reese Witherspoon as a peppy law student.
“That Elle Woods. She’s so perky. Despite all the terrible things people are doing around her, she never loses her optimism. You know, I should really take a page from her book,” he said.
According to sources, Batman also decided to make himself a nice, soothing cup of hot chocolate using what he calls “the good cocoa, not that Swiss Miss crap,” adding, “I mean, I work hard, I deserve it.”
In related news, the GCPD confirms the Joker is terrorizing dozens of patrons at the Gotham Square Panera Bread, and a shoot-out between the Falcone and Maroni crime families has resulted in seven casualties.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is satire.