UNDER THE SEA – After decades of being presumed dead, Ursula the Sea Witch stunned the world today by releasing a statement in which she claims she is the real hero, not Ariel.
Ursula, who was featured in the 1989 documentary The Little Mermaid, is widely seen as a manipulative villain who tricked the innocent mermaid princess Ariel into relinquishing her beautiful singing voice in return for the opportunity to win over the man who is now her husband, Prince Eric. But the Sea Witch tells a different story.
“That girl’s entire life was defined by her relationship to men, be it her father or Eric,” Ursula said. “At least I’m taking ownership of my life.”
“And I truly helped people. Sure, not everyone appreciated my tactics. But if I made some of those bourgie Atlanticans check their privilege, in my book that’s a good thing,” she continued.
Ursula asserted that, not only is Ariel widely idolized in an inaccurate way, her father, King Triton of Atlantica, is as well.
“Triton is ignorant and entitled,” she said. “He’s so controlling of his daughters and only sees them as extensions of himself. Those girls had no female role models to look up to growing up.”
She went on to explain that body shaming played no small part in her being portrayed as a villain.
“Of course the filmmakers were going to make me out to be the big bad because, hello, misogyny. Just remember, I’m a witch and I can change my appearance whenever I choose. But I won’t be shamed into kowtowing to arbitrary, patriarchal beauty standards.”
DISCLAIMER: This blog is satire.