Carol Danvers: "Shut the Hell Up, Gabe"
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captain marvel sunglasses brie larsonWASHINGTON, D.C. – After meeting with American leaders today about the approach she and fellow superheroes are taking to defeating the villain Thanos, Carol Danvers, widely known as Captain Marvel, was approached in a local karaoke bar by former classmate Gabe Henderson.

“He came up to me and he was like, ‘Where have you been, Danvers? I haven’t seen you in forever. Maybe now we can finally go on that date you owe me,’” Danvers said. “He was a dick in school and apparently he still is. So I just looked at him and I was like, ‘Shut the hell up, Gabe,’ and I walked away.”

On social media, the hashtag #shutthehellupgabe has become a rallying cry for those fighting everyday male entitlement, with users on Instagram and Twitter sharing stories of the entitled dudes they’ve encountered.

“This guy at work always used to bring me coffee (which I always paid him back for). I thought it was sweet until he asked me out and I politely declined, and he was like, ‘Do you know how much time I’ve wasted in line getting your coffee, and you have the nerve to say no?’ Umm, thank you next. #shutthehellupgabe” said Instagram user @kellyjames in a comment accompanying a photo of herself alone in a coffee shop enjoying a latte.

The Avengers were asked for their reactions, and Natasha Romanoff, widely known as Black Widow, replied, “So Bucky Barnes, Wanda Maximoff, and fucking King T’Challa get dusted but this guy’s still around? WTF, Thanos??” 


DISCLAIMER: This blog is satire.