NEW YORK, NY – According to the Associated Press, Jessica Jones, private investigator and woman with superhuman strength, attended the bat mitzvah of seventh-grader Aubrey Jensen today.
Aubrey is the daughter of Candace Jensen, a former client of Jones’s who hired the investigator to track her husband, whom she believed to be having an affair. According to sources, however, the corporate marketing director was merely taking dancing lessons to impress his wife for their anniversary after watching basically every romantic comedy ever.
“Jessica saved my marriage, so I invited her to the graduation as a thank you. But I’m thinking it probably wasn’t the best idea,” Candace said.
When Aubrey, whom family members said looked up to Jones as a female entrepreneur, asked the investigator for advice, Jones’s response was reportedly somewhat inappropriate. “She told Aubrey to, quote, ‘get her ass in gear’ before high school, because the rest of life is basically just an elaborate and depressing replay of those four years with the popular, rich people taking power and screwing over everyone else,” Candace said. “She’s not the best at inspiring the youth.”
According to Aubrey, Jones gifted her with a 7-Eleven gift card worth $15 and a used DVD copy of the 1999 film American Pie.
“I mean, that movie has not aged well,” Aubrey said.
When asked why she even bothered to attend the event, Jones replied, “Have you met me? There’s an open bar.” After downing what witnesses said to be her third shot of Jim Beam, Jones continued, “Besides, Luke’s having a bro day with Danny and I do not need to hang around for that dude’s entitled white boy shit.”
DISCLAIMER: This blog is satire.