NEW YORK, NY – In a stunning turn of events, the planet-eating being known as Galactus announced in a press conference today that he has decided to go vegan.
“As you may be aware, I’ve been struggling lately with the ethics of planet-eating. It’s really been weighing on my mind. I did a lot of soul-searching and I just got to point where I knew I had to take some responsibility,” he said.
“Also, it was my birthday last week,” Galactus continued. “I turned 14 billion. And you know how it is, you hit 12 billion and you feel like you have to start taking stock.”
The super-powerful consumer of whole worlds went on to explain that, from both a health and a moral perspective, going vegan is the best option in his opinion.
“I just feel better about my choices. Plus, I have so much energy now and my skin is so clear. I feel so centered. It’s funny, you think you’re going to miss things like bacon and cheese, but you really don’t! I’ve found some vegan recipes that are, like, way more filling than meat. And OMG, coconut milk ice cream is the best thing ever.”
When asked for his reaction, Galactus’s herald, the Silver Surfer, replied, “I mean, I guess I’m out of a job. But good for him for living his best life.”
Galactus was last seen sporting white dude dreads and drinking a kale, avocado, and banana smoothie at the 9th Avenue Juice Generation while silently judging others.
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